America was never all that ‘great’

According to a certain Garfield-hued politician, at one time America was The Greatest country in the entire world. Japan? Please. England? Pffft, those tea-sipping bastards? Spain? GTFO.

In fact, if it weren’t for us meddling liberals and our bleeding, mooching, SOCIALIST hearts it still would be – or so the GOP would have us believe. Thankfully we have HIM to turn this bitch around and Make America Great Again.


But let’s be honest – claiming that this country is anything but a massive dumpster fire of racism, colonialism, elitism, homophobia, xenophobia, and corporate greed isn’t just obnoxious, it’s total bullshit. Trump and his ilk (ie: selfish assholes and/or the selfish asshole adjacent) are the demographic equivalent to that one drunk guy at your office party who brags about his Guinness World Record for dick girth.

They’re not just full of shit, they’re obnoxiously full of shit.

The mystical era of American greatness

When I hear this rhetoric I want to ask; when were we the greatest country? Greatest how? Before this most recent election we acted like we WERE great. Watch an hour of pre-Trump-era political speeches on YouTube and tell me how many times you hear the phrase “America is the greatest [blank].”

If you say anything besides “a shit ton” of times then you’re a filthy liar.

When taken seriously, the ambiguity of such a statement gives enough fuel to ignite both sides of the political trash fire. To liberals it’s taken as a challenge; a call to action that commands us to do better, be better, use out of context Maya Angelou quotes better. (Don’t. Just…don’t. Dr. Angelou deserves better than you using her word to carseat shame some mom on Facebook).

To conservatives, however, it’s used as a license to…do nothing. No reason to get off your lazy ass when we’re already super GREAT, amirite? I mean, there’s another episode of Maury on, our shitty education system and lack of comprehensive healthcare will have to wait.

America is NOT the greatest… and we never were.

Donald Trump gets one thing right; America is NOT the greatest country in the world. Not even close. But instead of owning up to our nation’s faults and vowing to work on them, Trump and Co. pine away for a mythical bygone era. An era where men were men, women were women, and pussies were grabbed with impunity.

trump pussy meme MAGA

America ‘the great’ by the numbers

Of course, the only subjects we’re actually “number one” in are gun ownership and mass incarceration. We’re also…

• …10 times more likely to be killed by guns than the people in other countries.  Yet gun control is still not sufficiently regulated despite the fact that American gun-related murders rate 25 times higher than other high-income countries.

• …number 18 in the world’s corruption list (with 1 being the least corrupt and 100 being the most).

• …a nation financially divided. A massive 34% of billionaires are American. Yet the child poverty levels in the United States are one of the highest in the developed world.

• …16th in literacy proficiency.

•…21st in numeracy proficiency.


• …the largest military budget in the world. And America spends as much as the next 8 largest militaries combined.

• …5% of the world’s population but we consume 24% of the world’s energy. America uses up twice as much energy as Japan, six times more than Mexico, and 13 times more than China.

Turns our we ARE great. Great at being greedy, education-hating, morally corrupt gun nuts with Hummers and freedom fries. USA! USA! Um, USA?

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